My Primary Blog to Vent About Panic Disorder

My husband thinks I focus on my panic disorder too much because I have this enormously popular website where I write to people who've written to me seeking advice - constantly. I also write about my panic, I admit - a lot. But when you've researched a problem for 13 years and still don't have enough answers to make the problem go away - ya need to vent about it, right? Well, I think so.

So my major fear that goes along with my panic disorder is that I'll have a heart attack. If I didn't have this fear I'd not have panic attacks; I honestly believe that. It's not like I go around telling people this all the time, but almost every minute of every day I am focused on my heart. If it skips a beat - I know it and it scares me. So, of course, being scared, it skips more beats. Technically these are called PVC's, I know because about 14 months ago I went to the ER for a panic attack triggered by one of these - and my EKG showed that I was having them. I was certain it meant I was going to die - but here I am 14 months later feeling the same as I did then....the PVC's are no big deal - just as my doctors (many of them in several specialties) have said. Why is it so hard to believe them, though?

I've been to the ER for a panic attack twice in my life - the first panic attack I ever had when I was 19, in 1991 - was the first trip, and then in August of 2003 I went again. I felt really stupid both times, because of course the panic subsides while you're there and you just want to go home.

Having panic attacks is a living hell - the harder you fight it the worse it is, people who have learned to not care do better than those that focus on it every moment - for obvious reasons.

But, regardless - I need to talk about how I feel and how lonely it is knowing that you're one of millions going through this - yet not knowing a single soul to share experiences with.

I take Xanax XR and also regular xanax as needed as far as meds go. I on on 4mg of the Xanax XR and usually take 1mg of regular xanax per day, making for about 5mg of Xanax (alprazolam) a day. Believe it or not, this is actually less than I used to take - when I was taking up to 6.5mg per day! I would like to stop taking the Xanax XR - but I know I'm only saying that because I am being helped by it and believe that - 'nah!! it's just ME ... I'm the reason I'm not as anxious anymore!" Duh...no, no - it's the medicine that's helping.

So - expect more talk about panic attacks and my life here. And I hope whoever you are who is reading this is not experiencing panic attacks - they are just absolutely, brutally awful - especially since - unless a person has had them there's nobody who could possibly understand how NOT POSSIBLE it is to just "get over it." (grrrrr...I hate when people say that!)

:)