Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #1

Hi, (I beg forgiveness in advance for how long this email got!!
I guess I needed to talk, too....)

I'm so sorry to hear about your monster panic attack on Tuesday -
aren't they just the absolute worst thing to go through? I have given
birth to three children, endured various terrifying events - and yet
nothing has ever been as horrifying as a full-blown "monster" level
panic attack. They really do throw your life off course for a while -
well, they CAN do that - they don't necessarily HAVE to. And I know
you don't need to hear any more "keep your chin up" and "think happy
thoughts" blah blah blah - but your conviction to not let this wrench
your life from you will be a very big factor in how you feel the next
few months. Don't give in to it - remember, you can sit in the house
and possibly panic or you can go out and live your life and possibly
panic, but going out and giving life what you have inside of you to
give - even if you do have a panic attack - is what will lead you
forward in life, and away from the hideous way you felt on Tuesday.
Keep moving, keep thinking about anything other than panic - and this
last "big one" will become a distant memory much faster than if you
had dwelled on it, or analyzed it over and over.

That being said, it is good to think about why it happened. My last
monster attack was caused by many things - I say that confidently 14
months after it happened, but within the days following it I was a
trainwreck. I have been to the ER twice for a panic attack, once 13
years ago and once 14 months ago. For me, I was convinced I had a
heart problem - so I convinced my doctor to run every test she
possibly could - and of course my heart was in great
condition...however, enduring all of those tests was a nightmare for
me - waiting for the appointments and then waiting for the tests, it
was just all so long and drawn out - it was absolute torture. I
should have listened to my doctor when she said "these tests aren't
necessary, I wish you wouldn't take them because they'll make you
stress more, I assure you - your heart is fine." Three months - (yes,
that long!) later, after all the tests, she was proven right and I had
more gray hair.

So try to think about absolutely everything that led up to that major
panic attack on Tuesday - (although I doubt you'll be able to see the
'big picture' for a little while) - perhaps it would be good to take
stock of your life and see if you can find the build-up; the "what
triggered this?"

If your panic attack was caused by a Triple shot Venti Mocha, 3
Hershey Bars and three kids screaming and running through the house
while some terrible show like CSI was on TV (major trigger for me,
those medical shows) and you were sitting at your computer trying to
work - then okay, no real investigative work needs to be
done...however, I doubt it was something like that because you know
you can't do things like that, having 12 years of panic attacks under
your belt.

My last monster panic attack - I initally thought was caused by - get
this - manicotti. Now, in retrospect, I remember that my oldest son
was here on a scheduled visitation (joint custody thing) and he is
quite an angry young man, he always had been. He began fighting with
his little brother, and when I say fight - I mean yelling, not
hitting. Slinging nasty accusations at him left and right - calling
him terrible names and then bringing me into the entire situation ...
he called me lazy, (because the dishwasher had been loaded but not run
and there were no glasses) - he berated me and belittled me just as
his father had done for ten years. I had also been having a terrible
time at work - my boss was an overbearing pompous biggoted ass who
treated me like a child, plus he had ADD. It was hot and our air
conditioner wasn't working properly, my youngest son was 7 months old
and had terrible reflux problems so everytime he would drink a bottle
he would spit the entire thing up - I was terrified. My husband had
just gone through two terrible business deals, neither worked out and
either could have lifted us into a much greater financial life. I had
also just gotten the worst haircut imagineable.

It took me a year to eat manicotti. Yet - of course, it wasn't
anything nearly as simple as what I'd had for dinner. What happened
prior to the major panic attack, besides all of what I mentioned above
(and more that I didn't even mention!), was that we'd ordered in -
Italian (obviously lol) - and then sat down to watch Parent Trap, one
of our favorite movies. I ate, felt VERY full with a lot of pressure
in my stomach, my son started the yelling, the TV was blaring, the
baby was crying - and I had a heart palpitation. I felt it. I know
they don't mean anything, everyone gets them - but no, I immediately
panicked and it wouldn't stop - wave after wave - I swore I was going
to die....four hours later as I left the hospital after a total of 2mg
of xanax and 2mg of valium I was oh so very calm. I went home and,
exhausted, passed out into bed....yet....still, the little waves of
anxiety were drifting towards me, then slowly away ... certainly at a
lessened intensity and pace than earlier - but they were still there.
The doctors told me that it would be hours and hours before the
adrenaline hormones would leave my body completely - and man were they
right! I pretty much was a mess for three days afterwards.

So, it's not just the little things like a major deadline or a child
being difficult, it's a combination of things - sometimes you have to
go back months to find the beginning of that build-up, and maybe you
never will find it because it's buried under a million layers of "and
then there was this, and then that, oh and that other thing, too" ad
nauseum.

Now - do you really need to adjust the meds you're on? Or do you need
to reevaluate your life, or possibly both? Now - I wouldn't ever be
caught without xanax in my purse because thank God for it - you know?
However, when my son went home, when I succumbed to my husband not
getting those oh-so-wonderful jobs, when I quit my job with the cranky
old man who was my boss and moved onto better things - everything got
much, much better. During that time - between August and December -
my doctor put me on many different medicines to try out - Lexapro
being the first, (didn't sit well with me), then Buspar, then Prozac.
Nothing worked until my psychiatrist put me on Xanax XR which is
extended release and man did that make a world of difference. I still
take it today - and probably will for a long time because it's given
me much of my life back. And - if I do have a panic attack, even with
the Xanax XR, I can take a 'regular' xanax to ward it off. So, for me
- the answer to my situation was "both." I had to reevaluate my life,
make some changes there, and also make some changes regarding my
medicine.

And you know what - I had ONE supporter through the whole thing - my
husband, and even he wasn't there 100%. The burden of my trying to
overcome that most difficult of times landed squarely and fully on my
own shoulders and I prevailed. And I know that you will, too.

You have to believe that. You know that panic attacks are a part of
your life - you can choose to live with them or fight them tooth and
nail every day - but somehow when you accept that they are a part of
who you are, they happen a lot less often. It's like you take their
power away when do that - like, not even to the point where you're
flipping them the middle finger - not even giving them THAT much
attention.

You have a full life and panic may be a part of it - but you still
have that full life. Keep going, bear the weight of struggling
through these next few weeks (get supporters if you can find them!!)
but do not put your life on hold while you do it And if you are
prescribed a new medicine, give it time to work before giving up.
Remember, if it doesn't work, YOU have not failed, it's simply not the
right medicine for you, or not the right dose.

So you have one xanax. You will make it until Monday when you can
get a refill. I know that because I believe that you - and most
people with panic attacks like ours - are incredibly strong people.

Panic attacks have no right to steal your life and your joy of that
life. Refuse to allow that to happen. Keep your body and mind
moving. Take a deep, slow breath and forge on through it and you WILL
find that you've overcome this "big one" and that it did NOT ruin your
life.

As far as husbands go -here's one for you...my husband has panic
attacks, not as severe as mine although he begs to differ. I've never
seen him have a panic attack although I know he had them before I met
him. He says that he overcame them because - now get this - because
he "had to." He said he had no choice. It was go to work and keep
going or lose everything in his life. See...my panic attacks, over
the past 13 years have been so hideous that I couldn't even step out
of my doorway to get into the car, which I wouldn't have been able to
drive anyway because driving was causing me to panic. If I put on a
happy face and walked triumphantly to the front door, as soon as my
hand would hit that doorknob I'd freeze up and not be able to do it.
I KNOW how bad panic can be, I really do - and when my own husband who
swears he knows how I feel says "come on, tough it out..." I truly
feel utterly alone in this world. You can not "tough out" a major
panic attack, it's so far beyond that - there's just no describing it.
So, I understand what you're saying about your own husband...'how can
my panic attacks be so debilitating to my life?" Because...well, how
about this...they're scarier than being in a plane crash, having a
psychotic robber hold a gun to your head, (both stories I've heard
from fellow panic sufferers) - it's not something you can just think
"sunshine and daisy's" and it will go away immediately - it takes
work, and for me - xanax - to get my mind to stop racing, my heart to
stop pounding, and my muscles to stop being clenched up.

This latest monster attack is not going to end your being a
highly functioning person in your home, work, or community. As strong
as the panic is - YOU ARE STRONGER.

Let me know how you're doing - really, I'd love to hear more from
you....I will be out of town until Sunday evening - so if I don't
return an email, that is why.

Oh - and another big thing - talking about it helps enormously.
You're right - knowing that you're not alone in how you feel is HUGE,
just such a relief sometimes.

Take care, you'll get through this...
Lisa