Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #3

Hi :)

Sorry to hear that you were having one of those days that just sucked
yesterday :/ I hope today is going better for you.

It's funny (not really) that your family calls your house your "cave"
- once we had a house that had this little tiny office space at the
very top of the house and I'd stay up there all the time on the
computer, man I loved that space - it really was tiny - but surrounded
by windows on three sides, it was only big enough for my office chair,
a bookcase, and the built in shelf that held my computer. They called
it my "perch" - but I really didn't mind it up there at all. We lived
near Seattle at the time so we were in a giant forest and so it was
just incredible to have such a view - no houses, just trees and
nature. Now we live in Virginia and I don't like it at all - the only
thing I can see out my windows are the hundreds of townhouses that
have people in them that I don't know. Now I have my own 'cave' - the
whole house, but basically just the one floor - the living room,
dining room and kitchen area - where I also have a "nook" for an
office.

I can understand what it's like having kids when you're young -
sometimes I feel really weird when people ask me how old my kids are
and I say that they are 2, 13 and 15 years old. I had my oldest just a
few days after I turned 17.

I have been married twice - the first time to the father of my two
oldest boys - I was with him from the time I was 15 until I was 29.
Fourteen years wasted with a total jerk. :( He was such a control
freak, as was his family and I just KNOW they contributed to my
starting to get panic attacks.

Man, I just spilled my tea! UGH...you'd think it was Monday :/

Okay...so, wow, I can't believe you've never met your 18 month old
grandson! Is it more that it's far away or because of your panic
attacks? (I mean, in your son's thinking?) And you shouldn't even
joke about being insane - people with panic and agoraphobia are not
even close to being insane. Honestly - it's proven that we're
smarter, that our brains work faster, that we're more creative,
kinder, and incredibly strong-minded. My psychiatrist told me that
we're like the opposite of insane, we're too in touch with reality -
we are SO aware of absolutely everything and our brains are processing
information so quickly that it leads to that 'racing thoughts'
feeling, which surely isn't all that comfortable for us - which of
course, our logical minds consider as abnormal behaviour - so what's
the logical conclusion? We're different so we must be insane? Well -
that's not right...the real logical conclusion is that we've got
incredible brainpower going to waste because of lack of things to
focus it all on. You've heard of "mad scientists" right? Brilliant
people who couldn't keep their desks in order to save their lives -
we're like that. Think about Charles Darwin (whether you believe in
his theory of evolution or not,) he was absolutely BRILLIANT - and
also agoraphobic. His writings were done while he was literally
terrified to leave his home.

Anyway, I've always had a very strong ability to grasp complex issues
and come to - not just A conclusion - but the RIGHT conclusion very
quickly. I "pick things up" really quickly. I have an IQ of 153, I was
a superior honor roll student, the schools wanted me to skip a grade
but my parents didn't think it would be good for me socially - every
job I've ever had I was promoted within the first few weeks to
something that included a lot more responsibility. Unfortunately -
most of my adult life I've had panic attacks so bad that I couldn't
bear driving to a job, so it's really hard for me to work. So - here
I sit, all this brain power - and nothing to do with it. And I'm sure
you're the same way.

I think if I could just get a ride to and from work, I'd be okay -
because I know that if I had a panic attack while I was there I could
take xanax, even let it melt under my tongue so it would work faster -
if I really needed to. It's being terrified of the drive there and
back that just horrifies me so badly that I either quit my job or
never apply for one.

I'm really, really sorry to hear that you had such a bad panic attack
last year that you hit a car :( That must have just crushed you :(
Unfortunately, when things like that happen we tend to do the exact
opposite of what we should do - we hide away or stay away from the
situation when we should get right back out there and keep doing it.
I am the same way as you, though - it's SO hard to get in a car for me
- I am terrified that I'm going to pass out behind the wheel and so
while I'm driving, I'm hyperventilating the entire time and of course
I get every single red traffic light from home to my destination. My
method for getting to my job last year, before I quit, was to pull
over to the side of the road about ten times and just breathe - but
the sad thing is that if I would have just driven straight there,
red-lights and all, I would have been to the office in about 9
minutes. One day when I was coming home from work, and after I'd
picked my son up from daycare, I was sitting at a red light (of
course) and was a bit anxious about it...there was a giant pickup
truck in front of me that had pulled too far past the white "stop
here" line - and he just put his truck in reverse and backed right
into me! I threw my car into reverse and got a teeny bit out of the
way, but not enough - and man did he smack into me! This terrified me
so much that I really haven't driven much since then. It was just too
many panic attacks, two BIG ONES every day just to get to and from a
not-so-great-paying job, so now I just sit here in my house and wait
for people to come home. That's what I do. Sit and wait for others
to be here so I'm not alone.

I don't take a lot of panic medicine, SSRI's don't work for me, drugs
basically terrify me, and so at this point I only take Xanax XR, and
then regular xanax for the breakthrough anxiety. So, I basically take
about 5mg of xanax a day. Well, between 4 and 5 I should say.

That's really very cool that you're a Certified Herbalist! Wow - do
you have a website or anything like that? I don't even know what all
that entails, but I'm intrigued! :) Right now I'm taking Reiki
classes (do you know what that is?) - so I've got two more classes to
go before I finish my level one classes. (My husband drives me there
and picks me up, I clutch my cellphone the entire time I'm there just
in case I need to call him to come get me - but it's not as hard as I
thought it would be, thank God. I haven't panicked yet!)

I have to go for now but I'm on the computer all day and night usually
- I'd love to hear from you again :) Anytime! And sorry about my
long emails - I just get started typing and end up with a novel most
times LOL

Take care! :)
Lisa