I want to be somebody to be loved

I honestly don't know how long it's been since I posted in this journal, but I'll say that I've needed to for a few years now.  I've got so much pent up rage and aching regret pounding away at my heart, and I feel like I can't breathe anymore because it's heavier than a horse on my chest.

I am 6 years into living here in this same house that I don't love, don't hate.  I really feel nothing towards this house. I've never have. Lately I've been throwing more and more out of it, too, as we'll be moving into an RV in less than a year and becoming full-time RV dwellers.

I don't know if that means adventure, or if it means divorce will be imminent, but anything has got to be better than what we're all doing now.  All of us are miserable.

I can't believe how much I'm fighting with Dave. I'm mean to everyone. I take it out the most on AJ because he's closest to me all the time and I feel horrible because I say such biting things towards him, and I don't mean to.  I want to go back in time and redo everything with all of my kids, but especially AJ. I want to be a better mother to him, and I think that every day, but then the next day comes and his SPD kicks in, his BPD, GAD, etc., I just can't. I don't have it in me at all. Some days it's a miracle that I make it out of bed, let alone to my desk at the other end of the house.

This is my 28th year of panic attacks, and I'm tired.

I have, however, lost 200 pounds since my highest and am 18 or so pounds from my goal of 140...well, my doctor's goal.  It shouldn't be too hard since I never feel like eating. I'm just too sad. Who cares anyway.  I'll reach the goal and he'll be happy and leave me alone and let me just come in once a year instead of 4 times, is all. What a great prize for all that weight loss.

I'm so tired of being treated like I don't exist. I'm a ghost. But, I cause problems and I make AJ cry with my "rules" and it's to the point where just telling him to do the dishes can lead to a suicide threat, so I've got to tread so very carefully with him.

I have to tread so carefully with everyone.

I cannot say anything at all to Dave that might upset him in any way, or lead to conflict, but he wants to know how I feel. It's a very delicate walk and I usually fumble, but make my way out of it eventually.  He cries a lot more now, though, and so do I, but we're just so worn out. I can't believe the way we've been treating each other, but with me doing 90% of the being an insulting bitch and I'd say we're nearly equal on the real "yelling."  Something I never in a million years thought we'd do.  And I hate that AJ's gotten at least 5 times worse since Dave started working from home, too; and Dave gives into his every want or need, which frustrates me and I don't agree with it, so I have outbursts where I feel strong enough to say "NO, I want it done NOW!" and then absolutely everyone in the house scatters and hides from me for hours upon hours, and I feel like a monster.

I don't know how Bryan feels about me.  He loves me but he's indifferent to any plight I may appear to be going through.  I've asked him directly for help, but he just acts like he can't. He shrugs his shoulders, hands in front pockets of his jeans, tilts his head and just kind of mambos out of the room in a way.  I know that's how it will go down everytime, but I still wish he - or one of my children - would stick up for me for once.

Dawn and I don't talk anymore. I don't know what's wrong with her or me or what, but she moved back to the east coast about 2 years ago, and it seems more like 4 months, but I've fallen into a dark pit of despair and reclusivity, desperately wanting to be in a dimly lit room watching Lifetime movies about runaway moms and the cabana boys who love them.

I flew out to Maryland last year in 2018 for Easter, but when we drove up to my mom's in PA for the actual dinner weekend somehow everything went to hell and Dave got a job and suddenly he was coming out to be with me. My family freaked out on me and Dawn abandoned me in PA, so I was stuck there until Dave could come and get me.

The worst part is that I could tell my mom didn't really know what to do with me, so I was kind of in the way and could feel that dank, cool feeling of not being wanted. I had been sleeping on a sofa bed in Henry's tv room, and I guess once Dawn and Michael left there was no longer evening entertainment so I had to get out of that room within minutes and make it look like I was never there.  I really felt like my mom was following after me, trying to brush away all of the remnants of my existence, but that got better once I got into "Dawn's bedroom" downstairs (since she wasn't using it.)  I guess because out of sight, out of mind? I don't know, but it's annoying, too, that why the fuck does everyone get a bedroom and a personalized mug in my mom's house except me and Dave?  Moreso me, but yeah, even Dave.

What could I possibly be doing wrong?

Have I been so troublesome my entire life with a possible Asperger Syndrome diagnosis that they're just "done" with me? I know that AJ's issues take a great toll on me, but I don't recall ever seeing a doctor for anything relating to mental health...actually, I  know that I never did until well into my 20s.

I wish that I was having a midlife crisis that someone could diagnosis. I would take any diagnosis of any kind right now if it would lead to my being happier and healthier, and helping instead of hurting my husband and children.

Okay, well, my right arm is starting to really hurt - now up into my upper bicep/shoulder...I fell on the hill/sidewalk going down to the car and really fucked up my back, but on the other side - but no matter how much Advil I take it doesn't stop hurting at the top of my left arm :(  Not to mention my wrists being painfully destroyed, my hands and fingers in constant pain, my near-fatal pain levels in my stomach, the drop foot I've developed from something or another, the nausea, diabetes, low vitamin D, and high cholesterol.

All of those are just a fraction of what's wrong with me, but I know the thing that's the most bothersome, and that's how utterly tired I am.