The Loney Life of Agoraphobia

I often wonder if I'm actually agoraphobic - or if it's simply that I have no life, no car, no money - nothing. I have kids, I love them - but it's supposed to be my job to take care of everything inside these four walls - so I try, and yet my kids still aren't happy and the little one has gone into a "I refuse to eat THAT" mode, so I feel like I'm failing. I am not cut out for this housewife shit. I just did the math and realized that my son will graduate high school the same year that my baby starts first grade. First grade, that magical milestone where mom's get to go back to work or just be at home alone, whatever suits them. But now, I have nothing on my resume, nobody would hire me - and I've wasted my life being a mom - hell, my oldest son hates the way we live so much that he moved out and in with his father, my ex. My middle son is wonderful and good-hearted, my baby is spirited, but wonderful. This is what I have to show for my life.

But what about me? I sit inside this house all day every day and listen to stupid cartoons that my son is watching on TV. 2nd Son comes home from school and then I wait for my husband to get home, then we eat, then we watch TV, then everyone goes to bed and I stay up until about 4am.

I need friends, I need adult interaction that doesn't require money paid upfront. I miss my sister so much - I don't care that sometimes we get into fights, I don't care that she lives in a culturally lifeless town, I just miss HER. She's my only friend in the world other than my husband. But she is the one that knows me like nobody else in the entire world - and she knows that I need her.

Being agoraphobic really does suck. I could take a walk but it would cause a panic attack because I'm terrified of my heart rate increasing. What if it skips a beat? I could jump in the car and go browse the aisle at the grocery store - but I don't have a car and I don't have any money.

What I want to do is sit with friends, drink coffee, smoke cigaretttes, laugh - hell, even talk about people...gossip...what-fucking-ever! I just neeeeeeed. I need. Why isn't anyone listening to me???? Why does what I want count so little? What in the FUCK am I doing living in this dumbass town where I don't know a single fucking person - OR WANT TO KNOW THEM because so far all the ones I've met have sucked.

God - I'm FROM somewhere. I miss it. I miss my family and familiar things - I'm so fucking miserable and what is keeping me here??? I DO NOT KNOW?????!!!

These are the issues that make me bawl like a baby, these are the questions I ask in my heart which leads to every day all day anxiety. My anxiety has never in my life been this bad - in the past four years it's gotten so much worse and I just couldn't have imagined it getting worse than it was. I feel like I'm withering away and nobody is noticing. I need to take too much xanax to calm down, my heart races all the time, I take so much xanax it's cut my IQ in half - and still, I'm anxious. Every second of every day of every month that ticks by so fucking slowly....and towards what??? What happens next? I don't know ... does ANYTHING happen next? Do I get a job at a supermarket and come home with swollen feet and a $200 paycheck every week?
THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I FUCKING ORDERED.

My Primary Blog to Vent About Panic Disorder

My husband thinks I focus on my panic disorder too much because I have this enormously popular website where I write to people who've written to me seeking advice - constantly. I also write about my panic, I admit - a lot. But when you've researched a problem for 13 years and still don't have enough answers to make the problem go away - ya need to vent about it, right? Well, I think so.

So my major fear that goes along with my panic disorder is that I'll have a heart attack. If I didn't have this fear I'd not have panic attacks; I honestly believe that. It's not like I go around telling people this all the time, but almost every minute of every day I am focused on my heart. If it skips a beat - I know it and it scares me. So, of course, being scared, it skips more beats. Technically these are called PVC's, I know because about 14 months ago I went to the ER for a panic attack triggered by one of these - and my EKG showed that I was having them. I was certain it meant I was going to die - but here I am 14 months later feeling the same as I did then....the PVC's are no big deal - just as my doctors (many of them in several specialties) have said. Why is it so hard to believe them, though?

I've been to the ER for a panic attack twice in my life - the first panic attack I ever had when I was 19, in 1991 - was the first trip, and then in August of 2003 I went again. I felt really stupid both times, because of course the panic subsides while you're there and you just want to go home.

Having panic attacks is a living hell - the harder you fight it the worse it is, people who have learned to not care do better than those that focus on it every moment - for obvious reasons.

But, regardless - I need to talk about how I feel and how lonely it is knowing that you're one of millions going through this - yet not knowing a single soul to share experiences with.

I take Xanax XR and also regular xanax as needed as far as meds go. I on on 4mg of the Xanax XR and usually take 1mg of regular xanax per day, making for about 5mg of Xanax (alprazolam) a day. Believe it or not, this is actually less than I used to take - when I was taking up to 6.5mg per day! I would like to stop taking the Xanax XR - but I know I'm only saying that because I am being helped by it and believe that - 'nah!! it's just ME ... I'm the reason I'm not as anxious anymore!" Duh...no, no - it's the medicine that's helping.

So - expect more talk about panic attacks and my life here. And I hope whoever you are who is reading this is not experiencing panic attacks - they are just absolutely, brutally awful - especially since - unless a person has had them there's nobody who could possibly understand how NOT POSSIBLE it is to just "get over it." (grrrrr...I hate when people say that!)

:)