Should Have Been in Bed Hours Ago

We have to get up at 6am in the morning - and it's midnight. Driving to Maryland to do the Thansgiving thing with my most unthankful family, and I'm anxious about a couple of things.

First and foremost, being the fattest person there - I secretly hope that my niece has gained weight - we've been neck and neck (or double chin to double chin) in the weight department for a while and she's losing when I'm not.

Second is that I put pink streaks in my hair which everyone is going to be polite about - but I know what is behind the politeness.

Third, is the drive - I hate driving in the middle of nowhere.

I'm reaaaaallllly anxious. :(

Facing A "I've Got To Tour This Damn Town" Anxiety Day

I guess I shouldn't say that I "faced" it - since I pretty much kicked it's ass a little, but man it didn't feel like it was going to start out that way! I got up and took my Xanax XR, then I also took 1/2mg of regular xanax (this is what my doctor wants me to do when headed into "very likely anxious situations" - which a tour of our nation's capital is for me.) We live about an hour or so from DC but the ride there is hellishly bad because of traffic and stupid people who just moved here and don't know how we drive. (Pissed off and in a hurry.) I was really anxious all the way up Rte 50 although it was more like my body was anxious but my mind was just this steady "bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" - but anxiety is anxiety, so I knew I needed to deal with it. I started talking - about anything - about how DC used to be a perfect 100 square mile diamond but then Alexandria ceded and went back to VA, how the bottom 1/3rd of the Monument just sat there in the midst of being built looking like a stub for 30 years because there was a war going on and building a monument just didn't seem as important, I talked about how some dipshit decided to use stones from a Maryland quarry instead of the original Massachusets (I think) quarry to finish the job which ended up not matching the bottom part - so you've got a pink bottom 1/3rd of the Monument for that reason...and on and on it went.

I realized almost immediately after I started talking that my anxiety was indeed, MUCH less. So maybe I need to become a jabberjaws and then I won't panic so much? I don't know - but regardless of that, my greatest challenge lay ahead and that was walking in the city and exploring the buildings.

First we scored a most excellent parking space near the National Archives, however - it's a big ass building so even with the great parking job, I still had to walk like 2 blocks to the entrance, which isn't up the big steps and through the giant doors as one might think - it's off to the side. Took lots of pictures, got searched and X-rayed, then did the 18 minute "This is the National Archives and Ain't it Cool!" movie - then went and saw the documents....oh man, what an honest to God thrill. The room they keep the original copies of the Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, and the Constitution in is a hell of a lot colder than the rest of the building, and the ceiling is so freakin high it's an agoraphobic persons worst nightmare. Oddly enough, I LOVE to look at the artwork on ceilings like that - or the fact that they are in themselves artistic - so I chanced it and tilted my head back. (Whew...no dizziness.)

Another 2 blocks and we were in the Dinosaur Museum, everyone knows the one I mean. It's the one with the dinosaurs and the Hope Diamond (which I got lots of pictures of, and wouldn't mind having a version of it for myself!) Man that thing is just, yummy! No - it's breathtakingly beautiful, really - however, I noticed that the clasp seemed dull and chintzy looking, which led me to think that I'd wear my hair down if I ever had the occasion to wear the diamond. (I sit here laughing, too - don't worry.)

So, thank God for my son still being young enough to be in a stroller - it's like my security blanekt. If I have that to hold onto - I can walk a helluva lot easier anywhere, and today's trek through DC was no different. I clutched onto that thing for dear life.

I noticed that any time I was in an exhibit that interested me, I had no anxiety - this, despite the crowds, high ceilings, being blocks from the car, etc. As soon as we left the exhibit, I'd feel the anxiety again.

All in all I'm glad we went, for my husband's sake (as well as my boys) - but I think I could have done without it. Not because of the anxiety, totally, but because I've been in all the museums and attractions several times in my life already. I've lived near DC all but 2 years of my life.

My main concern about going to DC today was the hardship it would cause on my body - would I make it....(major heart phobia here.) I think I did awesome with that - my body is much stronger than I give it credit for and although, of course, all the walking and pushing the stroller while holding an unbrella DID make my feet, legs and arms a little achey, all in all it felt pretty damn good to be moving.

After we left DC we ate at a Chinese food place in Fairfax - or Falls Church, I can never remember which it is - but regardless, as soon as we pulled out of the parking lot I fell asleep - came home, smoked 1/4 of a cigarette and went to bed, exhausted - and ironically, my son woke me up to tell me that West Wing was on, so I had to get up. That's funny. :)

So, I'm glad I didn't kibosh this trip - everyone was happy and I controlled my anxiety, didn't pass out from the exercise and just loved seeing the Hope Diamond and the incredibly huge quartz crystal ball (like twice the size of a bowling ball.)

Today....this was a good day. :)

Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #4

Hi...

My name is Lisa and I am the owner of the Panic Pals website. I was
reading through the entries for the past few days and I wanted to
answer your question...'is there no one out there who has been cured."
You won't find stories of people who have been cured on the Panic
Pals site, no - these are people who are in the same boat as you right
now...people who have overcome their panic disorder must move away
from it - so much so that they don't post to message boards or write
about it. It takes a lot of work to get there - to remove all
thoughts of panic out of your life, but it is possible!!!

So, you won't hear much from the people who have overcome the panic -
but have faith that they DO indeed exist! There are people who have
suffered with panic disorder for decades and then they just let it go
- accept the feelings as a part of who they are and realize that they
have choices. They can lay on the sofa or pace around their house
panicking, or they can get in their car and go to the shopping mall
and panic there - they realize "Hey, if I'm going to panic anyway, why
not see a bit of the world while doing it?" And whether they knew it
at the time or not - it was the exact step they needed to take to
overcome their anxiety.

It's not easy - no, God, no - it's very difficult, but then again -
all of us with panic disorder are incredibly strong people, every
single one of us - you, too. Don't ever think you are weak, don't
ever think you are doomed to a life of panic - there is so much more
out there and you WILL get it back.

The people I've known who have totally overcome the limiting life of
panic attacks have all had one thing in common, they learned to live
WITH the anxiety at first and as time moved on, and they moved forward
with their lives, the anxiety just became less and less prevalent to
the point where it just wasn't an issue anymore. And I'm talking
about people who had previously been housebound with panic attacks,
people who couldn't drive or shop or go to a movie.

There is hope, don't ever give up believing that.

Good luck with Panic Pals...I hope you find some great people to talk with...

Lisa

Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #3

Hi :)

Sorry to hear that you were having one of those days that just sucked
yesterday :/ I hope today is going better for you.

It's funny (not really) that your family calls your house your "cave"
- once we had a house that had this little tiny office space at the
very top of the house and I'd stay up there all the time on the
computer, man I loved that space - it really was tiny - but surrounded
by windows on three sides, it was only big enough for my office chair,
a bookcase, and the built in shelf that held my computer. They called
it my "perch" - but I really didn't mind it up there at all. We lived
near Seattle at the time so we were in a giant forest and so it was
just incredible to have such a view - no houses, just trees and
nature. Now we live in Virginia and I don't like it at all - the only
thing I can see out my windows are the hundreds of townhouses that
have people in them that I don't know. Now I have my own 'cave' - the
whole house, but basically just the one floor - the living room,
dining room and kitchen area - where I also have a "nook" for an
office.

I can understand what it's like having kids when you're young -
sometimes I feel really weird when people ask me how old my kids are
and I say that they are 2, 13 and 15 years old. I had my oldest just a
few days after I turned 17.

I have been married twice - the first time to the father of my two
oldest boys - I was with him from the time I was 15 until I was 29.
Fourteen years wasted with a total jerk. :( He was such a control
freak, as was his family and I just KNOW they contributed to my
starting to get panic attacks.

Man, I just spilled my tea! UGH...you'd think it was Monday :/

Okay...so, wow, I can't believe you've never met your 18 month old
grandson! Is it more that it's far away or because of your panic
attacks? (I mean, in your son's thinking?) And you shouldn't even
joke about being insane - people with panic and agoraphobia are not
even close to being insane. Honestly - it's proven that we're
smarter, that our brains work faster, that we're more creative,
kinder, and incredibly strong-minded. My psychiatrist told me that
we're like the opposite of insane, we're too in touch with reality -
we are SO aware of absolutely everything and our brains are processing
information so quickly that it leads to that 'racing thoughts'
feeling, which surely isn't all that comfortable for us - which of
course, our logical minds consider as abnormal behaviour - so what's
the logical conclusion? We're different so we must be insane? Well -
that's not right...the real logical conclusion is that we've got
incredible brainpower going to waste because of lack of things to
focus it all on. You've heard of "mad scientists" right? Brilliant
people who couldn't keep their desks in order to save their lives -
we're like that. Think about Charles Darwin (whether you believe in
his theory of evolution or not,) he was absolutely BRILLIANT - and
also agoraphobic. His writings were done while he was literally
terrified to leave his home.

Anyway, I've always had a very strong ability to grasp complex issues
and come to - not just A conclusion - but the RIGHT conclusion very
quickly. I "pick things up" really quickly. I have an IQ of 153, I was
a superior honor roll student, the schools wanted me to skip a grade
but my parents didn't think it would be good for me socially - every
job I've ever had I was promoted within the first few weeks to
something that included a lot more responsibility. Unfortunately -
most of my adult life I've had panic attacks so bad that I couldn't
bear driving to a job, so it's really hard for me to work. So - here
I sit, all this brain power - and nothing to do with it. And I'm sure
you're the same way.

I think if I could just get a ride to and from work, I'd be okay -
because I know that if I had a panic attack while I was there I could
take xanax, even let it melt under my tongue so it would work faster -
if I really needed to. It's being terrified of the drive there and
back that just horrifies me so badly that I either quit my job or
never apply for one.

I'm really, really sorry to hear that you had such a bad panic attack
last year that you hit a car :( That must have just crushed you :(
Unfortunately, when things like that happen we tend to do the exact
opposite of what we should do - we hide away or stay away from the
situation when we should get right back out there and keep doing it.
I am the same way as you, though - it's SO hard to get in a car for me
- I am terrified that I'm going to pass out behind the wheel and so
while I'm driving, I'm hyperventilating the entire time and of course
I get every single red traffic light from home to my destination. My
method for getting to my job last year, before I quit, was to pull
over to the side of the road about ten times and just breathe - but
the sad thing is that if I would have just driven straight there,
red-lights and all, I would have been to the office in about 9
minutes. One day when I was coming home from work, and after I'd
picked my son up from daycare, I was sitting at a red light (of
course) and was a bit anxious about it...there was a giant pickup
truck in front of me that had pulled too far past the white "stop
here" line - and he just put his truck in reverse and backed right
into me! I threw my car into reverse and got a teeny bit out of the
way, but not enough - and man did he smack into me! This terrified me
so much that I really haven't driven much since then. It was just too
many panic attacks, two BIG ONES every day just to get to and from a
not-so-great-paying job, so now I just sit here in my house and wait
for people to come home. That's what I do. Sit and wait for others
to be here so I'm not alone.

I don't take a lot of panic medicine, SSRI's don't work for me, drugs
basically terrify me, and so at this point I only take Xanax XR, and
then regular xanax for the breakthrough anxiety. So, I basically take
about 5mg of xanax a day. Well, between 4 and 5 I should say.

That's really very cool that you're a Certified Herbalist! Wow - do
you have a website or anything like that? I don't even know what all
that entails, but I'm intrigued! :) Right now I'm taking Reiki
classes (do you know what that is?) - so I've got two more classes to
go before I finish my level one classes. (My husband drives me there
and picks me up, I clutch my cellphone the entire time I'm there just
in case I need to call him to come get me - but it's not as hard as I
thought it would be, thank God. I haven't panicked yet!)

I have to go for now but I'm on the computer all day and night usually
- I'd love to hear from you again :) Anytime! And sorry about my
long emails - I just get started typing and end up with a novel most
times LOL

Take care! :)
Lisa

Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #2

Well, I've been thinking about you these past few days and wondering
how you made out at the doctor's office yesterday. I hope with all my
heart that it went well. Please let me know! :)

I'm so glad that you found my letter to be helpful. I know that it's
just awful to feel like "NOBODY GETS ME!!!" or the dreaded "Am I the
only person in the world who feels like this???" but trust me, the way
you described your anxiety could have been any one of millions of
people talking. Including myself.

After reading your account of what you believe brings on panic
attacks, I'd say you and I are twins. Right down to the social
smoking and worrying about lighting up a cigarette in the morning. I
know about deadlines - although I haven't worked in the newspaper
industry for several years now - I worked for both a daily paper as
well as a weekly paper. My job was pagination, and then it was
graphic design and supervising the layout department. At the time I
was on Zoloft and was still having panic attacks. Although I was
busy, the pressure of that ever-looming deadline kept me in near-panic
mode at all times. Even on the days I had off of work I would panic
thinking about the last layout I approved - what if it went to press
with errors??? So I'd go to the store and grab a copy and scour it
for errors. Thursday nights when I had to do all the ad layout for
the Sunday paper I was fine - but from the time I turned it in until
Sunday afternoon I was constantly going over in my head whether or not
I'd put our big advertisers in the right spot. Even triple checking
the thing wasn't enough for me - I was so engrossed in the fact that
so many people had to touch the thing before it got shot, what if
someone nudged something for God's sake??? I was the ultimate
paste-up department witch - I'd go back there and pour over everyones
work to make sure they didn't screw it up.

Why on earth I felt like everyone around me was so incompetent I have
no idea...it was more than likely the fact that I was terrified of
screwing up. But, yes - deadlines, no fun. I miss that line of work
though, which is rather ironic.

Oh and intestinal bloating??? ME!!! This is a major trigger for me
so I try to eat smaller meals. Key word being "try." I am convinced
that when I eat a big meal it causes me to get all bloated in my
stomach and belly and push everything upward leading to heart
palpitations...so I burp and then say to myself, "Oh thank God, it was
just gas." Man, the things we do, huh?

Oh, and the shellfish thing - TOTALLY me. Every holiday or family
gathering I make a sort of crab spread ... it's that pseudo-fish, oh,
what's it called... I don't know, like Crab Delight or something - but
it's not crab it's Pollock or some other weird fish with pink dye on
the edges...well, I mix that with cream cheese and ranch dressing and
take a box of Club crackers and everyone loves it. I eat it and think
"oh God please don't let me get an allergic reaction!!!" There is NO
shellfish IN the stuff - yet it's called "Crab Delight" so I get that
thought in my head and well, there ya go - I'm anxious and excusing
myself so that I can run to the bathroom to check for red blotchy
patches on my body. I've eaten tons of shrimp and crab in my life and
never had an allergic reaction, either. In fact, I love shrimp scampi
and order it sometimes when we go to Red Lobster (okay, every time we
go there) and every single solitary time I worry about the possibility
of a reaction.

So when do you leave for ****** ? (Thou shalt not have a tidy segue
at 3 AM.) :) Now, I totally understand where you're coming from - I
could have written that word for word, except - exchange ******* for
the Eastern shore of Maryland. It's a big long 2 hour stretch of
nothingness, and to be quite honest - if there WAS a hospital I'd be
terrified that the entire staff was incompetent. So - my mother's
house - where we'll be having Thanksgiving dinner (on Saturday ...
don't ask, it's a weird family) is on a teeny little island in some
teeny little trickle of a river that leaks off of the Chesapeake Bay.
There's a serious lack of people living there who have all of their
teeth - however, on the edges of the island are the "nice homes",
which thankfully my mother has one of. I don't care if it's nice or a
pop-up camper - it's on an ISLAND 25 miles from the nearest town, or -
village, you could call it, I suppose. Every time I visit her I wish
I was a person who drank. I feel so terrified that I'll have a panic
attack - which might actually be a heart attack - just like you said,
that I have to take extra xanax to get through it.

That being said, I bet that neither you or I will have a total
freak-out panic attack over Thanksgiving - no, no - if we're going to
do that we'll do it when we've gotten back home. Man are we good in
"crisis mode" - (big family get togethers qualify as 'crisis mode' for
me) - if we absolutely can NOT panic, we don't - but as soon as the
perceived 'danger' is removed we let out a really big breath and then
we "handle" everything at once. And by handle - I mean finding
ourselves just spewing anxiety while slipping on our PJ's a day or two
after we've gotten home from the trip, ending up having a major panic
attack and wondering "Why???" We're just not all that nice to
ourselves. Oh, and for certain we're very smart women - but when it
comes to figuring out whatever could have caused such an intense panic
attack - we have no clue. It takes some digging - but you usually
find the answer if you look back a week or more and think about all
the times you didn't panic.

Oh, blah - I'm so tired ... this is my usual bedtime, I'm a terrible
night-owl but trying to recover from that and sleep and wake at
socially acceptable times. My latest research regarding panic
disorder is the effects of antidepressants and benzodiazapines on our
circadian rhythm. My body temperature doesn't ever seem to be 98.6º -
but usually lower, so I am trying to figure out if all of those years
I spent on antidepressants put my body into slow-mo, which would
explain why they made me gain so much weight, and now - 3 years later,
I still can't seem to lose it very easily. Sometimes researching it
is scary because I run across words that are triggers for me, (mostly
medical terms) but I think it's really important to my website to
continue to add articles to it. It's a project that I'm certain will
be a work-in-progress for at least another couple of decades.

Well, I didn't mean to blather on incessantly (again) - basically I
just wanted to do three things - say hello, see how your doctor's
appointment went, and reassure you that you'll make it through the
Thanksgiving trip. You're amazingly strong, so much more so than you
give yourself credit for.

Take care, :)
Lisa

Panic Attacks After Many Years

I am terribly out of shape because I am agoraphobic. I think. Well, I'm also totally phobic of my heart - which is another reason, the biggest reason actually.

Venti, my husband, is off of work all week this week for the Thanksgiving holiday and tomorrow we were supposed to go visit DC and see all of the historical touristy stuff there. I thought and thought about it, and I'm terrified of all of that walking and climbing stairs - for like, hours - terrified that I'll panic and terrified that my body is not up to doing it.

I'm only 33 years old but my anxiety has left me feeling as though I'm 60. I feel weak, my strong and toned muscles are no longer existant, antidepressants like Paxil have caused me to gain so much weight as well as slowed my metabolism down incredibly, so I'm overweight as well.

I think that it's coming up on 8 years that I've been either totally or slightly agoraphobic - so much time wasted because of my panicking. My fear. What have I missed? What worries me more is what more, in the years ahead, will I miss, too? I must change the course of my life somehow, although, the problem is, I don't know where to start.

I refuse to take antidepressants ever again, so that's out. I should be in counseling - with a psychologist, not a 'social worker' who thinks the way to 'cure' me is to dig right into my childhood. I need immediate tools - I need immediate relief of any value before I can even start to consider my childhood. Why don't all mental health professionals get that??

So, I don't think we'll be going tomorrow because we're both too tired and went to bed too late. Man, I'm terrified of all of that walking. :(

Email to a Fellow Panic Attack Sufferer #1

Hi, (I beg forgiveness in advance for how long this email got!!
I guess I needed to talk, too....)

I'm so sorry to hear about your monster panic attack on Tuesday -
aren't they just the absolute worst thing to go through? I have given
birth to three children, endured various terrifying events - and yet
nothing has ever been as horrifying as a full-blown "monster" level
panic attack. They really do throw your life off course for a while -
well, they CAN do that - they don't necessarily HAVE to. And I know
you don't need to hear any more "keep your chin up" and "think happy
thoughts" blah blah blah - but your conviction to not let this wrench
your life from you will be a very big factor in how you feel the next
few months. Don't give in to it - remember, you can sit in the house
and possibly panic or you can go out and live your life and possibly
panic, but going out and giving life what you have inside of you to
give - even if you do have a panic attack - is what will lead you
forward in life, and away from the hideous way you felt on Tuesday.
Keep moving, keep thinking about anything other than panic - and this
last "big one" will become a distant memory much faster than if you
had dwelled on it, or analyzed it over and over.

That being said, it is good to think about why it happened. My last
monster attack was caused by many things - I say that confidently 14
months after it happened, but within the days following it I was a
trainwreck. I have been to the ER twice for a panic attack, once 13
years ago and once 14 months ago. For me, I was convinced I had a
heart problem - so I convinced my doctor to run every test she
possibly could - and of course my heart was in great
condition...however, enduring all of those tests was a nightmare for
me - waiting for the appointments and then waiting for the tests, it
was just all so long and drawn out - it was absolute torture. I
should have listened to my doctor when she said "these tests aren't
necessary, I wish you wouldn't take them because they'll make you
stress more, I assure you - your heart is fine." Three months - (yes,
that long!) later, after all the tests, she was proven right and I had
more gray hair.

So try to think about absolutely everything that led up to that major
panic attack on Tuesday - (although I doubt you'll be able to see the
'big picture' for a little while) - perhaps it would be good to take
stock of your life and see if you can find the build-up; the "what
triggered this?"

If your panic attack was caused by a Triple shot Venti Mocha, 3
Hershey Bars and three kids screaming and running through the house
while some terrible show like CSI was on TV (major trigger for me,
those medical shows) and you were sitting at your computer trying to
work - then okay, no real investigative work needs to be
done...however, I doubt it was something like that because you know
you can't do things like that, having 12 years of panic attacks under
your belt.

My last monster panic attack - I initally thought was caused by - get
this - manicotti. Now, in retrospect, I remember that my oldest son
was here on a scheduled visitation (joint custody thing) and he is
quite an angry young man, he always had been. He began fighting with
his little brother, and when I say fight - I mean yelling, not
hitting. Slinging nasty accusations at him left and right - calling
him terrible names and then bringing me into the entire situation ...
he called me lazy, (because the dishwasher had been loaded but not run
and there were no glasses) - he berated me and belittled me just as
his father had done for ten years. I had also been having a terrible
time at work - my boss was an overbearing pompous biggoted ass who
treated me like a child, plus he had ADD. It was hot and our air
conditioner wasn't working properly, my youngest son was 7 months old
and had terrible reflux problems so everytime he would drink a bottle
he would spit the entire thing up - I was terrified. My husband had
just gone through two terrible business deals, neither worked out and
either could have lifted us into a much greater financial life. I had
also just gotten the worst haircut imagineable.

It took me a year to eat manicotti. Yet - of course, it wasn't
anything nearly as simple as what I'd had for dinner. What happened
prior to the major panic attack, besides all of what I mentioned above
(and more that I didn't even mention!), was that we'd ordered in -
Italian (obviously lol) - and then sat down to watch Parent Trap, one
of our favorite movies. I ate, felt VERY full with a lot of pressure
in my stomach, my son started the yelling, the TV was blaring, the
baby was crying - and I had a heart palpitation. I felt it. I know
they don't mean anything, everyone gets them - but no, I immediately
panicked and it wouldn't stop - wave after wave - I swore I was going
to die....four hours later as I left the hospital after a total of 2mg
of xanax and 2mg of valium I was oh so very calm. I went home and,
exhausted, passed out into bed....yet....still, the little waves of
anxiety were drifting towards me, then slowly away ... certainly at a
lessened intensity and pace than earlier - but they were still there.
The doctors told me that it would be hours and hours before the
adrenaline hormones would leave my body completely - and man were they
right! I pretty much was a mess for three days afterwards.

So, it's not just the little things like a major deadline or a child
being difficult, it's a combination of things - sometimes you have to
go back months to find the beginning of that build-up, and maybe you
never will find it because it's buried under a million layers of "and
then there was this, and then that, oh and that other thing, too" ad
nauseum.

Now - do you really need to adjust the meds you're on? Or do you need
to reevaluate your life, or possibly both? Now - I wouldn't ever be
caught without xanax in my purse because thank God for it - you know?
However, when my son went home, when I succumbed to my husband not
getting those oh-so-wonderful jobs, when I quit my job with the cranky
old man who was my boss and moved onto better things - everything got
much, much better. During that time - between August and December -
my doctor put me on many different medicines to try out - Lexapro
being the first, (didn't sit well with me), then Buspar, then Prozac.
Nothing worked until my psychiatrist put me on Xanax XR which is
extended release and man did that make a world of difference. I still
take it today - and probably will for a long time because it's given
me much of my life back. And - if I do have a panic attack, even with
the Xanax XR, I can take a 'regular' xanax to ward it off. So, for me
- the answer to my situation was "both." I had to reevaluate my life,
make some changes there, and also make some changes regarding my
medicine.

And you know what - I had ONE supporter through the whole thing - my
husband, and even he wasn't there 100%. The burden of my trying to
overcome that most difficult of times landed squarely and fully on my
own shoulders and I prevailed. And I know that you will, too.

You have to believe that. You know that panic attacks are a part of
your life - you can choose to live with them or fight them tooth and
nail every day - but somehow when you accept that they are a part of
who you are, they happen a lot less often. It's like you take their
power away when do that - like, not even to the point where you're
flipping them the middle finger - not even giving them THAT much
attention.

You have a full life and panic may be a part of it - but you still
have that full life. Keep going, bear the weight of struggling
through these next few weeks (get supporters if you can find them!!)
but do not put your life on hold while you do it And if you are
prescribed a new medicine, give it time to work before giving up.
Remember, if it doesn't work, YOU have not failed, it's simply not the
right medicine for you, or not the right dose.

So you have one xanax. You will make it until Monday when you can
get a refill. I know that because I believe that you - and most
people with panic attacks like ours - are incredibly strong people.

Panic attacks have no right to steal your life and your joy of that
life. Refuse to allow that to happen. Keep your body and mind
moving. Take a deep, slow breath and forge on through it and you WILL
find that you've overcome this "big one" and that it did NOT ruin your
life.

As far as husbands go -here's one for you...my husband has panic
attacks, not as severe as mine although he begs to differ. I've never
seen him have a panic attack although I know he had them before I met
him. He says that he overcame them because - now get this - because
he "had to." He said he had no choice. It was go to work and keep
going or lose everything in his life. See...my panic attacks, over
the past 13 years have been so hideous that I couldn't even step out
of my doorway to get into the car, which I wouldn't have been able to
drive anyway because driving was causing me to panic. If I put on a
happy face and walked triumphantly to the front door, as soon as my
hand would hit that doorknob I'd freeze up and not be able to do it.
I KNOW how bad panic can be, I really do - and when my own husband who
swears he knows how I feel says "come on, tough it out..." I truly
feel utterly alone in this world. You can not "tough out" a major
panic attack, it's so far beyond that - there's just no describing it.
So, I understand what you're saying about your own husband...'how can
my panic attacks be so debilitating to my life?" Because...well, how
about this...they're scarier than being in a plane crash, having a
psychotic robber hold a gun to your head, (both stories I've heard
from fellow panic sufferers) - it's not something you can just think
"sunshine and daisy's" and it will go away immediately - it takes
work, and for me - xanax - to get my mind to stop racing, my heart to
stop pounding, and my muscles to stop being clenched up.

This latest monster attack is not going to end your being a
highly functioning person in your home, work, or community. As strong
as the panic is - YOU ARE STRONGER.

Let me know how you're doing - really, I'd love to hear more from
you....I will be out of town until Sunday evening - so if I don't
return an email, that is why.

Oh - and another big thing - talking about it helps enormously.
You're right - knowing that you're not alone in how you feel is HUGE,
just such a relief sometimes.

Take care, you'll get through this...
Lisa